Shifting realities

This is an awkward entry to write but I feel like I should address the reality of what it is I’m currently going through so I might try to generate a greater good from my writing.

I look different. I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever feel I look “normal”? I’m tall, and as I’ve released all of this weight I can see where my skin hangs off of my muscles now because most of the fat cells under my skin have thinned out enough for that. So what does that mean? It means I’m looking at myself naked in a mirror as I press into my chest and saying things like “oh… that’s *me* that’s just muscle, that’s the shape of the muscles on my body. That’s freaky…”.

I’m having to buy new clothes again because things fit differently. I’m having to get used to being this size. For instance, when I wanted to go to a restaurant before I used to go to Yelp and then the photos section to see what kinds of chairs they had. If they had chairs with arms on them, then that was a no-go. If it was all booths then that was a no-go. Ideally a place would have chairs or seats without arms where you could also adjust the table to make yourself comfortable. Those are things that I don’t really have to worry about anymore. I can also travel on an airline with one seat instead of having to buy two, just barely.

When I walk by and see my reflection, I can see that I’m taller and broader than most people. Despite releasing a lot of weight, I’m just actually a large human being standing at 6’4”. I will always stand out in a crowd.

When I stood out before, it wasn’t really on my terms.

When I stand out now, it is, with more to come.